gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
