You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
