Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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