Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
