I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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