I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
