who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
