the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
