I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
