FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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