I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
