If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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