He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
