I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
