i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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