dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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