You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
