here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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