Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
