Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
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Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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