My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
