so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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