i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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