dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
