1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
