yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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