So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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