Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize