u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
