Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
