I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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