new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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