This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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