i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
