my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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