I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
