You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
