Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
