ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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