Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
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Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
soo... how was my night?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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