i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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