Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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