Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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