he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
