You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
