I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
