He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
