I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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