don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
