he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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