he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
