In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
