plz talk dirty to me
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
