Cold hands, warm shart.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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