dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
