There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
